Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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