overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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