i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
