bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
