does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
