Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
