distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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