If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
