Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
