Kareoke will never be a sober sport
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
