drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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