So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
There r osticjed everywhere
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
