Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
