just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
