Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize