I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
