I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
you win again, gameday.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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