I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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