dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The air was thick with penises
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
