I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
nutella sex= disaster
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
