Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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