Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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