i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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