i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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