She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
