I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
