You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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