Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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