I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
