Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize