im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
