After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
