how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
