I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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