so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
