Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
