next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
