it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Randomize
