My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
