I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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