3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
