I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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