an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
