when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I have post one night stand depression
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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