How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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