We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Randomize
