Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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