new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
