Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
