I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
