1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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