Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
