the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
