I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
