when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
foreskin is a definite game changer
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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