He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
