I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Church boner. Awkwardddd
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
