i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
