Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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