It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
