she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize