Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Two words: nipple clamps
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