i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
