just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
