mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
well most of my day revolves around power hour
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
