i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
