dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
