I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
