I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
