Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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