I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
