i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
