it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
