Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
