I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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