you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
