I'm drive I can fine osifer
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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