so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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