'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Randomize
