My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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