When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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