its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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